5/10/2007

Whole Wide World

So Much Potential!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen I dissed you last week to watch Spiderman 3....

I should have known better!

Let me first say that it was a decent movie at best, no I didn't compare the movie to the comic, and yes I did like all the crazy action scenes. But... And this is a big BUT I just wasn't feeling the story. Was I the only one or am I just swallowing crazy pills? The movie just felt rushed, like wrapping everything up in some neat little package. If you agree or don't agree, let me just say this...

Wasn't Bruce Campbell Fookin' Amazin?

My Hero

Bruce, is by far one of my many favorite Bruces. Although the role he played was an obnoxious French steward, which will offend many a Frenchmen! But who cares...

I live in Mudder F@*king America!

Chinese Red Hots!

Since we last spoke I mentioned the Almighty Commie Beater Thor was off defendin' democracy by going to India and car jacking Chinese Tanks.

PWNED!

And since the Chinese didn't have any insurance on those tanks, they got together and try to form a Zerg Rush against Thor! So who's going to lead the Chinese to victory? Who would stop that blonde beauty from bullying Chairman Mao? This guy wants the job...


Comrade, Chen Lu

Mad Communist Scientist Chen Lu decides to step forward and is willing to risk his life for Mother China... or is he? We slowly find out that Chen's plan is to use his fancy technology to rule the world and he's going to use Thor's defeat as his symbol of The New World Order. So he goes back to his lab which is a converted Buddhist monastery, where they've replaced Ass Kicking Shaolin Monks with...

Azn Robots

Made from recycled Honda Accords, these robots do the day to day work for Chen. Maybe by day these robots do complex math algorithms and solve mysterious chemical equations, but by night they hold really crazy rave parties. Whatever, you simply have to guess how Chen figures he can beat our Blonde Bombshell...

Bathing in Radiation

Most people I know get cancer when they expose themselves to too much radiation, not Chen! Most people use small amounts of radiation to cure themselves of cancer, not Chen! Chen's Special! Apparently, if you expose yourself enough times you can tame this deadly mistress and gradually make it your bitch! Yes, Chen is granted with the powers of controlling all forms of radiation and without all the bad side effects: Hair loss, Loss of appetite, and of course Tumors! However, Chen does develop a healthy green hue that emphasizes his tremendous power!


Go Science!

Had I known that small amounts of radiation would grant you unlimited powers, I would have started licking batteries a long time ago =(

Good Role Model

Any how, Chen doesn't waste any time and heads for American soil to declare Thor a challenge of wits. And what a better way to address himself as the ominous Radioactive Man, wasn't that Simpson's character? Of course if you've seen one villain, you've seen them all... the best reaction is to RUN!

Thor sees all this and we get to see a Thunder God versus a Science Freak. Which brings the aged old question of Science Vs. Religion to the ultimate test of superiority! But time and time again science seems to win out, especially when Chen finds that with enough light and Thor's twirling hammer can cause a hypnotic effect!

Dropin the Hammer!

Chen makes Thor throw his hammer away, as it is his source of ultimate power. But remember kids: "Its not the size of the hammer, its how you swing it!"

Go Religion!

What Chen doesn't realize is that he's only hypnotized our favorite blonde, but not lame'o Donald Blake. You remember Don? Thor's alter ego! And without the hammer, Thor goes back to being Donny. Which by all logic is not affected by Chen's light show. So not long after, the hammer is recovered and Thor is once again in control! And with the power of swinging, he sends Chen back to China where...

You Sploded!



The End of Radioactive Man

Well you think an Atomic Explosion would spell the end of Chen Lu, but guess again! Next week we'll see the evolution of Radioactive Man and I promise it does not end with him getting cancer! Until then folks...


Go ahead watch Spiderman 3... but if it disappoints you don't blame me and you can cry yourself to sleep!

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

benhur!!
where have all the asian superheroes gone? i sit at my desk, surrounded by inquiring minds of the orient, all of whom clamor for more, MORE!!
also, i saw spiderman 3, and toby maguire is painfully lame. i cried myself to sleep, but not before pleasuring myself to the memory of that blonde girl. oh yeah. take that, eddie brock!

Anonymous said...

Hey you never did the next entry on this Chen Lu guy, isn't he the one from Thunderbolts?

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